Who am I?

 I created this page years ago and all I have is drafts of unfinished writings.

Feelings I decided to not confront anymore…

I guess you can say I like to runaway from things but not in the way you’re thinking. I take time and sit with my pain but then I push it as far back as I possibly can while I keep myself busy with anything I can, mostly going to the gym.

I actually like to run in real life and many times, I stop and think about how much that relates to what I do with my suppressed feelings.

Running and writing were always a form of release but running was easier because I didn’t have to think so much about it. I drowned it out with loud music and physical exhaustion.

Writing made me confront my feelings, it opened wounds and welcomed them into my living room to see how things have been. I wasn’t good at that.

I wasn’t good at submerging to the depths of my pains and coming back out again to go grocery shopping and have dinner made on time.

It always consumed me.

So I wrote unfinished feelings because I never got to the end of them but I’ve come to realize that maybe there is no end to them. They become things we have to accept and live with because as much as we would love to, we can’t just erase our memories.

Our traumas become part of us, we identify with them to the very core of our being. They make us who we are and it’s our choice whether we become monsters or bearers of light.

Our stories are important and they need  to be released, we cannot carry them buried deep inside us.

We must confront them and that’s what writing is to me.

It’s always been my escape but for so long I put it in the back burner because I felt it was just too hard to live in the moment but write about the past. I got stuck every time.

But no matter how many times you try to avoid your personal destiny, you’re always brought back to it. You might as well just listen to it and tap in instead of avoiding it.

I lead many different lives in search for something else but in my heart I always knew my souls favorite place was somewhere with a good book, pen and paper.

I also heard that your first poem is the one you start telling your absolute truths in, the ones you never wanted to tell anyone.

The ones you were ashamed of..

The ones you’ve been hiding..

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I know your thinking, why that picture? I chose this picture because there was a lot I was hiding at that very moment trying to find release through exercise, steam baths, books and scorching hot showers. It takes me back to a time and place, that’s the beauty of pictures, you remember exactly how you felt at that moment and what you were going through.

I couldn’t bring myself to finish writing my own book but I loved reading other people’s books wishing I had the discipline they did to fulfill their dreams.

Writing a book is hard especially when you’re stuck in the very same emotions that have bled onto that paper.

Instead I succeeded at everything else besides the one thing I truly felt I was meant to do, write.

Life has an interesting way of taking you on journeys away from yourself in order to learn more about yourself. Ironic, I know. Easy to get confused and even easier to get lost. And lost I got.

Writing has always been my true passion but I can’t tell you how many times I mislead myself into being a different person because I wanted to experience different things. I’m never one to back down from a trip outside of the comfort zone. I was drawn to everything that wasn’t good for me because I knew I’d learn something new about myself. There was something about being on the edge that I thrived in. While many have fear of these things, I was thrilled.

Routine was my depression and challenges was my obsession. Tell me, I can’t and I’d show you just how well I could. I wasn’t afraid of discomfort or taking leaps. I found a way of releasing my demons and that was with daily vigorous exercise. I wouldn’t be satisfied with my day or myself if I didn’t get to work out because I had so much built up in me, it caused me to become obsessed with what helped me release that.

Instead of allowing it to be writing as I knew I should have, I always left that behind.

I would tell myself all the time, I should be writing, I should be writing but I never became disciplined about it. I always made excuses but not anymore.

I’m going to start telling my truths no matter how uncomfortable they feel.

I will open wounds, sit with them until we make peace and heal all the broken parts of me that I’ve ignored.

We all have parts of ourselves that we’ve locked away and it’s time to break the chains.

They’re just too heavy to carry.

Martha Catalina Mendoza Gutierrez

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4 thoughts on “Who am I?”

  1. Writings always been ur passion. Now ur one step closer to writing that book u use to talk about. am happy to see you growning and accomplishing ur goals in life martita…..😉miss you loquilla

    Liked by 1 person

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